


Dearly Beloved

by LiveThroughThePages



Category: Ookiku Furikabutte | Big Windup!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hospital, Angst, Cancer, Character Death, I'm Sorry, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-29
Updated: 2015-11-29
Packaged: 2018-05-03 22:10:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5308940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LiveThroughThePages/pseuds/LiveThroughThePages
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU in which Suyama and Sakaeguchi are high school sweethearts, but fate has decided to get in the way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dearly Beloved

“Don’t cry…” Sakaeguchi’s hand gently caressed Suyama’s cheek. His hand was thin, and his skin looked pale. “Hey… look at me. Shouji…” Suyama looked over at Sakaeguchi, who was lying in bed. There were tears in Suyama’s eyes. “Don’t cry,” Sakaeguchi said again as he smiled gently at him.

“Sorry…” Suyama mumbled as he quickly rubbed the tears away. “I know I don’t have the right to say this, but I’m just having a rough day.”

Sakaeguchi’s smile remained in place as his thumb made circular strokes on Suyama’s cheek. “There’s no reason for you to think that.” His voice held a serious tone. “Everyone is entitled to a bad day.”

“I know but…”

“Sh…” Sakaeguchi quickly silenced him. “I don’t want to hear you trying to downplay your own troubles… You act like I’m the only one who can have a rough time, and before you say anything,” Sakaeguchi said quickly when Suyama opened his mouth to speak. “I understand your reasons, but I don’t want you to think less of yourself.”

Suyama closed his eyes and leaned slightly into Sakaeguchi’s hand. “Yeah… sorry…” He whispered.

“No need to apologize…” Sakaeguchi laughed slightly, but ended up coughing. He covered his mouth and forced himself to stop. “Now…” He said with another smile before Suyama could worry about the coughing. “Tell me what’s got you so down.”

“It’s nothing important,” he tried to avoid it, “stupid really.”

Sakaeguchi sighed in slight annoyance. “When it comes to you, I don’t think anything is stupid. I like hearing your stories… good and bad.”

Suyama shook his head slightly. The small smile that appeared on his face slowly fell away. “I… didn’t get the internship.”

It might have sounded ridiculous to anyone else to be so upset over something so simple, but Sakaeguchi understood. “Sorry… I knew how much you wanted that.” And it was probably that along with seeing Sakaeguchi that made Suyama feel so upset.

“It’s okay. There’ll be other internships.” He said shrugging slightly.

Sakaeguchi smiled again. “I bet you’ll find something even better!”

Suyama smiled at the words. He was amazed at how much faith Sakaeguchi had in him. “Yeah, I’m going to do my best.”

“That’s all I ask for.” Sakaeguchi chuckled slightly.

“You know… the same goes for you, right? You keep doing your best as well, all right?” Suyama said seriously.

Sakaeguchi’s face fell slightly before he smiled gently. “I am.”

“Excuse me…” The two looked over to see a young nurse standing in the doorway of Sakaeguchi’s room. “Visiting hours for today are almost over.”

Sakaeguchi smiled at Suyama, but the latter frowned slightly. “Go home and get some rest.”

Suyama wanted to protest, but he knew that he couldn’t stay. “Okay,” he stood up, but before he left, he leaned down and placed a soft kiss on Sakaeguchi’s forehead. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“I know,” Sakaeguchi closed his eyes and let the feeling of Suyama’s lips on his skin wash over him. It always amazed him that someone as tall and strong as Suyama could be so gentle.

Suyama pulled away and forced a smile as he touched Sakaeguchi’s cheek. “See you…” Sakaeguchi smiled as Suyama pulled away and walked toward the door.

“Would you like me to walk you out?” The nurse offered.

“No, that’s okay. I know my way out.” Suyama whispered as he walked out the door.

The nurse looked over at Sakaeguchi. The smile had disappeared from his face. His eyes suddenly looked weak and tired. His breathing was a little more labored, and every now and then a fit of coughing shook his body. The strength that he showed to Suyama seemed to vanish. It was like this every day. Sakaeguchi would put on a brave face whenever Suyama came around because he didn’t want him to worry, but once Suyama left, his resolve would wither.

“You haven’t told him… have you, Sakaeguchi-kun…” The nurse asked sadly.

“I can’t,” Sakaeguchi turned to her with tears in his eyes. His voice sounded a bit wheezy. “Because if he knew, he’d never leave.”

“Don’t you think he deserves to know?” She pressed. “He loves you very much even I can tell.”

Sakaeguchi looked away from her. “I don’t want him to worry about me all the time. It’s better this way. We’re so young. It’d be a waste for him to only worry about me. He has a life to live.”

She knew he wasn’t going to change his mind. “Well, sleep well. If you need anything, don’t hesitate to call.”

“Wait…” She paused at the doorway. “There’s…” A coughing fit came over him and she rushed over to help him sit up. She waited for him to calm down. “There’s something.. that I’d like you to do for me…”

The nurse smiled. “Anything…” She said instantly making him smile again. Sakaeguchi was her favorite patient since they were both in their twenties. During her shift she would always visit him and talk when he had sleepless nights. He almost always told her stories about Suyama. She knew so much about him that she felt like she was his best friend. The two were very much in love, and she knew that and would do anything to help them.

* * *

The next day Suyama stopped by a flower shop and bought a single sunflower. He knew that Sakaeguchi wasn’t supposed to have things like this because of the pollen, but he thought perhaps seeing just one flower would brighten his day. The walls in the hospital were so white and depressing. A little bit of color, even just for a few hours, couldn’t hurt too much.

He walked into the hospital, knowing exactly where to go. He’d been taking the same path for the last few months. That’s how long it’d been since Sakaeguchi had been admitted into the hospital permanently. Sakaeguchi had promised that everything was fine, and that the only reason he decided to stay in the hospital was because it was a more controlled environment - less ways to fall ill with his lowered immune system.

But Suyama knew something was wrong. After Sakaeguchi began his stay at the hospital, Suyama watched as his friend seemed to wither away into nothing. The only thing that seemed to keep Suyama’s mind at ease was the smile that Sakaeguchi always had on his face when he came to visit. It made him think that Sakaeguchi was telling the truth. It made him hope that things were going to get better.

He twirled the flower slightly in his fingers as he walked down the hall. He couldn’t wait to see the smile on Sakaeguchi’s face when he showed him the bright yellow flower. He knocked on the door and walked in. “Hey! I brought you some… thing…” Suyama’s eyes widened in fear when he realized the room was empty.

Had something happened to Sakaeguchi during the night? His brain threatened to move to the worst case scenario, but he had to remain positive. He had to… He had to find someone. He turned and noticed the nurse from the nightshift standing there, waiting for him by the door. He was too panicked to say anything so he just stared at her.

“You’re earlier today,” she noted.

“I… I wanted to bring a flower…” He forced himself to explain. She smiled, but she looked tired… exhausted even. There were dark bags under her eyes. “I thought you only worked at night… Why are you still here?”

The nurse took a slow steady breath. “Sakaeguchi-kun asked me to wait for you.” She motioned for him to follow her.

“Is…” His throat suddenly felt tight. “Is he okay?”

She avoided his eyes. She wanted to lie, but he’d know soon enough. “He had some complications during the night,” she explained. “His breathing became extremely labored, and we moved him to a more controlled environment.” She looked at the flower in Suyama’s hand. “I’m sorry, but you won’t be able to bring the flower with you into this new room. You’ll also have to wear a mask this time and go through a decontamination of sorts before you enter.”

“I… I see…” Suyama whispered as he looked down at the flower sadly.

“There’s a window though, so I can show the flower for you?” She offered and Suyama thanked her. They continued their walk in silence until the nurse took another shaky breath. “There’s… something else you should know…” Suyama looked over at her confused. “His… condition as a whole has worsened. It’s not just his breathing.”

“What…?” Suyama felt as though the wind had been knocked out of him.

“We took some blood…” Her voice fell to a whisper. “His white blood cell count is dangerously low. The cancer is getting worse. The treatment’s not working… We’ve exhausted all other options, and he’s refusing anymore treatment.”

Suyama felt his heart sink. He had a feeling where this is going. “How… how long?”

“It could be anywhere between a few hours to a few days at most.” She whispered, hating the fact that she allowed herself to get so close to a patient.

“And his family?” Suyama asked.

“We called them during the night. They were here into the morning. They’ve said their goodbyes. Sakaeguchi-kun asked them to go home.”

“Why?” He asked as they came to a stop.

“I think he wanted to spend time alone with you… He also asked if you could stay the night.” She said turning to Suyama and gently removing the flower from his hands. “But whether you stay or not is completely up to you.”

“Thank you…” He whispered.

“You don’t have to thank me,” she smiled, but it never reached her eyes. Suyama could tell this was upsetting her as well. “You’ll have to go through an air shower, it’s to remove excess particles that could pollute the air. You should also wear a mask, and also…” She hesitated. She knew how hard this was going to be for Suyama. “Please try to stay strong for him…”

Suyama nodded and thanked her again as he entered the room. When his eyes fell on Sakaeguchi, he felt his stomach drop. Sakaeguchi looked like a mere shadow of himself. _Was he this thin yesterday?_ Suyama wondered when he saw how pronounced Sakaeguchi’s cheek bones were. His eyes were closed, but the skin around them looked dark and hollow from lack of sleep. His chest rose and fell rapidly. His breaths were shaky.

At the sound of the door sliding open, Sakaeguchi looked up and smiled. “Shouji…” His voice was breathy as if it took a lot of effort just to say Suyama’s name. “I’m glad… you’re here…”

“Of course…” Suyama walked over to sit by his bed and smiled, though he doubted that Sakaeguchi could tell from behind the mask. “I brought you something.”

“What is it?” Sakaeguchi looked so tired and weak.

Suyama pointed over at the window and Sakaeguchi turned to look. The nurse was there holding the single sunflower with a sad and tired smile. Sakaeguchi smiled brightly at it. “They said I couldn’t bring it in here.”

“Thank you…” He turned back to Suyama. He reached up and tried to take the mask off Suyama’s face.

“Stop!” Suyama panicked. He didn’t want to be the cause of any other problems. “I have to keep this on.”

“I don’t care…” Sakaeguchi frowned. “You wearing that mask… isn’t going to change what’s going to happen…” Suyama felt his throat tighten again and he allowed Sakaeguchi to remove the mask. “That’s better… I don’t want my last memory to be of you wearing this, so smile for me.”

“I’m trying, but it’s so hard…” Suyama answered honestly. A part of him should have expected the worst and prepared more for this. But… he so wanted everything to work out. “I don’t want you to go. Isn’t there something…?”

Sakaeguchi cut him off. “We’ve tried everything.” It was true. The doctors working with him really did attempt every possible course of action, but nothing was able to combat the cancer. “There’s nothing left except to go peacefully with the one I love.” He tried to smile for Suyama, but even he was having a hard time now.

“I love you too,” he whispered in response.

“Will you… lie down with me?” Sakaeguchi asked as he slid over to allow Suyama some space on the bed.

Suyama frowned slightly. “Is that allowed?”

“I don’t care anymore.” He just wanted to be as close to Suyama as possible, like old times. “So come up,” he pat the empty space beside him.

Suyama glanced up and noticed the nurse was still standing there, watching them with a sad expression. She noticed his gaze and gave him a small smile and nodded. He took that as permission and climbed onto the bed. Sakaeguchi was no longer hooked up to any machines, so he didn’t have to be cautious with any wires or tubes. He wrapped his arms around Sakaeguchi, and noticed just how small he was now.

“Thank you,” Sakaeguchi smiled slightly as he pressed his face against Suyama’s chest. Suyama was never one for cologne or anything like that, but just the smell of his laundry detergent was enough to relax Sakaeguchi. “Hey… do you mind… if I sleep? I’m really tired…” He whispered as he snuggled against Suyama.

Suyama felt his stomach drop slightly. “I don’t want you to leave without saying goodbye.” He whispered, and he felt extremely selfish as the words left him. His hand gently touched Sakaeguchi’s scalp. Suyama missed running his fingers through his hair.

If Sakaeguchi thought Suyama’s words were rude or selfish, he didn’t voice his opinion. He simply replied with, “Maybe it’s best I don’t then…” He gripped at Suyama’s shirt.

“No,” Suyama found himself saying. “If you’re tired, you should rest.”

“Thank you,” Sakaeguchi said, but his grip on Suyama’s shirt never loosened.

“Can I… can I say something while you rest?”

“Yes please,” Sakaeguchi breathed as he closed his eyes.

Suyama took a breath to calm himself. He didn’t want Sakaeguchi to feel his fear. He had to stay strong just as the nurse said. “I remember the first time we met,” he began, talking quietly and slowly. “It was the first day of high school. We were in the same class. I remember I was immediately drawn to your smiling face. You were always smiling, and your smile was so bright that it always lifted my mood if I was down.”

Sakaeguchi smiled as he rested. Suyama had never told him this story, but he was glad he was getting the chance to hear it.

“At first, I really just wanted to be your friend, and somehow…” he laughed slightly, “we ended up being best friends. You opened up to me more than anyone else, and you let me see the side of you that others wouldn’t normally see. It made me feel special. And soon… I found myself craving your attention.” Suyama smiled slightly. “Every smile, every word, every touch… it was like a drug, and I just wanted you all to myself. I wanted to be the only person you looked at.”

Sakaeguchi bit his lip slightly and kept his eyes tightly shut. He tried to focus solely on the words that Suyama was saying. To distract him from the overwhelming sadness he was beginning to feel. He didn’t want to cry. He wanted to stay strong until the very end.

“I was elated when I learned you felt the same. And that’s why… that’s why I was so upset when the doctor finally told you what was happening. This cancer… it was something that was trying to take you away from me and there was nothing I could do for you except watch you fight this battle alone.”

Tears were now falling down Sakeguchi’s face silently, but he managed to keep his breathing under control.

Suyama took a shaky breath. “And I just want you to know how much I love you. I have always loved you and I will never stop loving you. You’ll always be in my heart, and on my mind. Through all these years, you’ve made me so happy and I know I’ll never be able to forget about you. So…” He tightened his arms around Sakaeguchi. “So I want you to know that you should rest without worry. I’m not going to leave. I’ll be here for you, always.”

“Idiot…” Sakaeguchi mumbled. His hands that were gripping Suyama’s shirt began to shake. “Is this how you say goodbye?” Even his voice was beginning to shake.

“Sorry,” Suyama kissed the top of Sakaeguchi’s head. “I didn’t mean to make you cry. I just wanted to make sure I told you everything before… before it was too late.” His own tears were falling now.

“Thank you,” Sakaeguchi hugged Suyama tightly. “Now let’s just rest.”

“Yeah, rest.” Suyama continued to hold Sakaeguchi. He watched as Sakaeguchi’s breaths became slow and short. Sakaeguchi had fallen asleep. Suyama watched Sakaeguchi’s chest rise and fall. He looked so peaceful like that. And as he watched, he too fell asleep.

* * *

“Wake up, Shouji…” Suyama frowned as he heard Sakaeguchi’s voice in his head. “It’s time to wake up.”

Suyama frowned as he slowly opened his eyes. He yawned as he sat up and stretched. He looked down at Sakaeguchi, and frowned slightly. “I guess I was dreaming?” He mumbled when he saw the peaceful smile on Sakaeguchi’s face. “Hey…” Suyama gently nudged him. “Yuuto.” He said a little louder, but he got no response.

“H-hey…” Suyama’s voice began to break. “Yuuto, this… this isn’t funny.” But he already knew what was wrong. He just didn’t want to accept it. He looked out of the room and saw the nurse was in a chair nearby. He quickly stood and knocked on the window. He didn’t have to say anything. One look at his face and she was already in the room.

“What’s wrong?” She said seriously as she rushed over to Sakaeguchi.

“He won’t wake up.” It felt like his world was collapsing around him. He watched as she took Sakaeguchi’s pulse, but her head fell in defeat. She looked up at him with sad eyes and shook her head. “Do something!” He yelled as tears began to cloud his vision. He wanted more time. This wasn’t fair. This wasn’t how it was supposed to end.

“I can’t,” she began to explain but then Suyama cut her off.

“Of course you can!” He yelled again as he walked to the bed and took one of Sakaeguchi’s hands. It was already starting to feel cold to him.

“He declined resuscitation,” she whispered as Suyama held onto Sakaeguchi’s hand tightly. “It’s why there aren’t any machines in here.”

Suyama refused to look at her. “Why…? Why would he do that?” He asked even though he was quite sure what the answer was going to be.

“Because he’s been living a very painful life in here,” she continued in a quiet voice. “He made the decision knowing what it meant, but he said it made him feel in control of his life for once.” Suyama shook his head.

The nurse placed an envelope beside him on the bed. “Sakaeguchi-kun asked me to give this to you. I didn’t ask any questions, but it’s one of the few things he ever asked of me so I wanted to fulfill his wish.”

Suyama wiped his eyes and glanced at the envelope. He recognized Sakaeguchi’s handwriting instantly, even if it was a little shaky.

“I’ll leave you here to say your final goodbyes,” she explained. “I’ll tell the doctors, and contact his family. If there’s anything at all,” she placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, “I’ll be right outside.”

Suyama took a slow breath and looked up at her. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” She gave him a small smile before walking out of the room.

Suyama gently stroked Sakaeguchi’s hand as he looked at his smiling face. He looked so happy now. “I guess you’re not in pain anymore…” Suyama whispered and tried to smile, but he ended up frowning as tears began to fall down his face. “Why can’t you just come back?”

Suyama missed him already. He missed his laugh, his bright smile… He missed everything about him. He had tried to prepare himself for the worst, but this was beyond what he thought he’d feel like. Now that Sakaeguchi was really gone… it felt as though there was an actual hole in his chest and it hurt beyond belief.

It wasn’t fair. They were supposed to grow old together. They were going to move in together. They were going to adopt a dog. They were going to babysit his older sister’s daughter, and teach Suyama’s nephew to play baseball. They had so much planned, but now there weren’t going to be any plans. It had all been cut short, and there was nothing he could do about it now.

Suyama wiped the tears from his eyes and did his best to dry his cheeks. He took a slow deep breath. He could feel the tears threatening to fall again, but just for a little, he wanted to think clearly. He sat on the edge of the bed. He gently caressed Sakaeguchi’s pale face. He leaned down and placed a kiss on his forehead. “I guess this is really goodbye then?” He felt the tears forming again and he shut his eyes tightly. “I love you, Yuuto.”

Standing from his seat on the bed, he wanted desperately to leave that room. He felt like he couldn’t withstand being in there another second. He felt like he was suffocating. He turned to leave, but the envelope caught his eye. These were technically his last words… He was nervous to read it, but he knew he should. He picked up the envelope with a shaky hand and held it close as he walked out of the room.

He found himself sitting in an empty waiting area. Turning the envelope over and over in his hands. He carefully ripped open the envelope, and pulled out the letter. Just glancing at it, Suyama realized what state Sakaeguchi had been in lately. The writing was so shaky that it was hard to read, and Suyama knew it must have taken a great deal of energy and concentration for him to write it. Taking a deep breath, Suyama began to read.

_Dear Shouji,_

_At first, I didn’t want to write something like this, but I knew that I wasn’t going to be brave enough to say these things to you in person. So please forgive me for making you read this after I’m gone._

_Above everything, I want you to know that I love you so much and I don’t think I could have made it this far without you. It was because of you that I had the courage to face this disease head on. Because of you, I fought as best I could._

_When the doctor told me I had Leukemia, I knew my chances were slim. It’s something I haven’t told you before, but when I was a child, I had already fought and won against this same cancer. After all these years, I thought I was free, but I wasn’t. And being told this all over again, I shut down… If it hadn’t been for you being more upset than I was, I don’t think I would have been able to do any of this._

_But I’m writing this letter because I know my time here is coming to an end, and I’m sorry that I never said anything to you about what was happening. I didn’t want you to worry about me, but at the same time, I’m sorry because I probably raised your hopes in the process._

_And there was a part of me that was afraid to tell you. I know it may sound stupid, but I was afraid that if I told you the truth, you would leave. And I couldn’t have that. I may have been very selfish through these past months, and again, I’m sorry. But I needed you to be there, to be my rock through this whole ordeal._

_These last few weeks have been filled with unbelievable pain. My body aches, and it’s hard to breathe anymore. But not once was I upset because I had you. You were my light through this all, even if you were just holding my hand. It gave me strength, and I know that I’ll never be able to make it up to you. You were so much more than I could have ever asked for, so thank you, Shouji, for being with me until the very end._

_And lastly, I want you to be happy. Don’t be sad because I’m gone. Be happy knowing that I’ll be seeing my mother again. You’ve done so much for me, you deserve to be happy. As much as I want you to remember me, and keep me closest to your heart… I want you to move on. I’m not saying to forget me. But just one day in the future, I want you to find someone who will make your day shine brighter than the sun. I want you to find someone who will make you laugh and smile for the rest of your days._

_Just know that I will always be watching over you. I love you, Shouji. From now until the end of time._

_Until we meet again,_

_Yuuto_

_P.S. - The nightshift nurse is a very nice girl._

By the time he finished reading, he was both sobbing and laughing at the fact that Sakaeguchi had tried to be funny at the end. It was just like him to try to put a smile back on Suyama’s face. His tears were falling on the letter and the ink was starting to smear, so he quickly put it back in the envelope and tucked it into the pocket of his jacket.

He let Sakaeguchi’s words sink into his head. His brain replaying them over and over again. He was really gone. He wasn’t coming back. He had to move forward.

He stood from his seat once he managed to calm down again. He should visit Sakaeguchi’s family. Or maybe they were already on their way to the hospital. Maybe he should call them first to find out what was happening… so he began to make his way out of the hospital to get some fresh air and call Sakaeguchi’s sister.

On his way, he passed the nurse’s station. He saw the nurse that was always with Sakaeguchi during the night. Her hair was disheveled, her eyes were bloodshot, and her skin paler than usual which made the dark bags under her eyes even more prominent. She had taken Sakaeguchi’s death just as bad as he had.

Before he could process what he was doing, he standing beside her. “Excuse me…?” He asked unsure of what else to say.

She jumped slightly not realizing anyone had been near her. “Oh!” She laughed awkwardly. “Suyama-san, is there something you need?”

Suyama frowned. He knew that she wasn’t supposed to be on duty right now, but she was still there. And honestly… he didn’t know what he needed. “I… I just wanted to say thank you for everything you’ve done.” He realized that she already knew his name. Sakaeguchi probably told her at one point. “And… I know this is a little late, but I wanted to formally introduce myself. I’m Suyama Shouji.”

The nurse smiled. “It’s nice to finally meet you. My name is Shinooka Chiyo.”

“This might be strange, but would you like to go get coffee?” He asked looking embarrassed, but he knew what he needed. He needed a companion. If he was alone, he’d fall apart.

And maybe she understood his feelings, or perhaps she just really needed some coffee to keep her going. But regardless of the reason, she offered him the gentlest smile he’d ever seen. “Yes, that would be wonderful.”

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this for oofurishipweeks. The prompt was "Ends." I hope you enjoyed it. And once again. Sakaeguchi I am so sorry. You always end up on the receiving end of the angst I write.


End file.
